Things you NEVER want to hear your children say


Mia is standing in front of the mirror with her mouth open as far as she can possibly stretch it, straining to look at something in there.
“Whatcha doing honey?”
“Trying to look at the little willy at the back of my throat”
Holy hell.

Dan: “Mummy what’s a hooker?”
Me. Stomach drops to my feet. “It’s a position in a rugby team Dan. Ask your dad.”
Dan. Rolls eyes and sighs. “Stop trying to trick me mum, I’m talking about the hooker who does sexing.”

At a horse riding lesson and Mia’s head starts itching under her riding hat.
We are surrounded by people.
Mia (loudly): “I think those nits are back again mum.”
(BTW, they weren’t).

Dan has had a friend for a sleepover and it’s something ridiculous like 6 in the morning and they’re all in the living room making a row.
Dan comes upstairs into our room where we’re desperately still trying to ignore the cacophony and snatch a few more minutes of rest.
Dan: “Mummy you need to come and sort Mia out, she’s showing off in front of William and it’s embarrassing.”
Me: “Just ignore her Dan. She’ll go away when she realises you’re not looking.”
Dan: “But she’s totally in the nude and rubbing her bum on the furniture . . . “
Lie in OVER.

Mia: “Mummy, why do people wear make up?”
Me: “Well, to make themselves look prettier I suppose? Make themselves feel better.”
Mia: “Do they do it for boys?”
Me: “Sometimes, yes.”
Mia: “Do they think boys will like them more?”
“Because if you want boys to like you more why don’t you just show them your bottom or something?”
Life really is so simple when you’re 5.

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One Response to Things you NEVER want to hear your children say

  1. englishgrandma says:

    Really made me laugh out loud….been there more times than I care to think about!!

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