My life is not perfect.
It is not a fairytale where everything is good all the time.
And for one reason or another, this week I have really struggled.
None of us have lives that are all good, all the time. None of us.
I mostly blog here about the good, the happy, the firsts, the biggies, the picture postcard moments.
I don’t talk about these to gloss over the bad. My life just is pretty good most of the time.
And I’m not going to feel bad about that.
I love my life. I love parenthood for all it’s dramas, it’s highs, it’s lows, it’s tiring, draining, dark corner moments. I relish them all because that is what I’ve always been prepared for.
I didn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to a sick child, or to feed a hungry baby or to hold hands after a nightmare.
I didn’t mind being vomited on, downing in a sea of nappies, having nipples so sore it made me cry.
That’s what I was expecting. Being a mum meant going all through that stuff to me and I was totally up for it.
And now I’m out the other side of the ‘baby’ stuff, it’s still hard. Really hard.
But that’s fine too.
I didn’t go into being a mother thinking it was going to be walks in parks and sunshine every day.
So yes, I shout at my children, then sit down with my head in my hands regretting it.
I row with my husband over insanely trivial stuff. We’ve had tough times. TOUGH times.
My children sometimes fight and squabble and say words they shouldn’t.
When I’m really tired and can’t be bothered we go to McDonald’s for tea.
When I’m ill and irritable I take it out on those I love.
I say mean things about people then instantly regret it because I only ever try to see the good in others.
I sit the children in front of a film so I can escape for an hour and just sit in the quiet upstairs on my own.
I curse my husband and wonder why he can’t be like the other husbands I see who do X and Y and Z.
I do anything for a quiet life so withdraw and ignore when others are being mean or outrageous around me. Then regret not doing anything about it.
But that’s just life I guess. Big, dirty, crazy, tiring, life.
However, this week I have struggled.
I have felt lost and alone and without direction.
These are things I don’t blog about because that is my line in the sand. That’s not what this blog is for.
They’re not huge problems I guess in the grand scheme of things. Not insurmountable. Not when you compare them to other people’s problems. But they’re my problems nonetheless and they have kicked the wind out of me this week.
I am very lucky that my life is pretty great. But it’s not perfect.