Exercise? What for?
I have two young children and I NEVER STOP.
I’m going to Florida in a few weeks.
I will need to show bare flesh (I will be swimming with dolphins – yes, yes I KNOW how bloody lucky I am believe you me).
And I’ve been reading on Twitter how a couple of people are trying to fit themselves up ready for the summer with the aid of a clutch of celeb fitness DVDs.
My friends, I am here to tell you to put your money back in your pocket.
Warm up: Stand tall. Now look down at the floor. See those peas/biscuit crumbs/Lego pieces? Pick them up. All of them. Without the aid of a dust pan and brush.
See your back and leg muscles warm right up as you bend over for the 56th time to pick up an unknown sticky object spot welded to the living room rug.
Shoulders: Did you have bolognese sauce/soup/casserole for tea last night? Now’s the time to clean the detritus from the walls where careless spoon action has meant your magnolia walls have been given a Jackson Pollock-style make over.
Scrub, reach high, reach down low to those skirting boards. And don’t forget the wall in the room next door – for despite the fact that there is a wall and a closed door between you, there is always ALWAYS food splashes on there.
Legs: Set the children up doing their favourite thing: Painting/watching a DVD, reading etc.
“Mummy, can I have a drink of milk?”
Run downstairs, fetch drink.
“Not that cup mummy. My OTHER cup.”
Run back downstairs, change cup. Run back upstairs.
“Did you warm it up?”
Run back downstairs. Slightly slower because you’re legs are starting to really ache.
Run back upstairs.
“Didn’t you hear me shout I wanted a piece of toast too . . . ?”
Back: Carry your children everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Out of the car because they’ve kicked their shoes off and can’t find them and it’s raining outside.
Up the stairs because they’re sooo tiiired they can’t possibly walk. But then start fighting with each other the minute they reach the top.
It becomes a case of powerlifting once they’re 7 and 4 and don’t weigh 1 stone any more.
Cool down/relax: This is never likely to happen. The minute your brain has a spare moment you’ll be thinking about the packed lunches, if you’ve put the washing on, how high the ironing pile is or whether you’ve got enough milk in for tomorrow’s breakfast.
Did I miss a move out?