Doctor doctor

I sometimes absolutely dread going out with my children for fear of what they will say in pleasant company.
I try to limit the damage by only taking one out at a time, but sometimes a double dose is unavoidable.

A trip to the supermarket is bad enough (“oi lady” is Mia’s greeting of choice to fellow shoppers while Dan is asking me (loudly) why that man’s top doesn’t fit all the way over his belly.

Getting their feet measured is another kind of hell I’d rather avoid.
It gets to the stage where I’d rather cut the toes out of their existing shoes to make them last just that little bit longer.
But a trip to the doctor’s surgery is just asking for trouble isn’t it?
Two inquisitive children in a doctor’s waiting room? It’s like the start of a very bad joke, only the joke is always on me.

I’d rather suffer the symptoms and stay well away quite frankly.
“Why is that lady ignoring her baby?” (Mia asking after a mum whose baby is demonstrating what a healthy pair of lungs it has).
“Is that man here because of his weird leg?” (a disabled, older gent who walked in on two crutches and one leg is visibly shorter than the other).
“What’s wrong with her, mummy” All of this is, of course, set at maximum volume..

However, sometimes a trip to the surgery with both of them is unavoidable. And it is never ever ever without incident.
Daniel suffers with hayfever during the summer (not that we’ve had much of one) and I can’t bear to see my little man struggling with symptoms that look like I’ve left him out in the rain all night.
So I have to take him to see the doctor to get him something to help him cope.
And, unable to fob Mia off on anyone, she comes too.

Good news when we arrive – we are in the upstairs waiting room. Yay.
Away from people.Yay.
We are the only ones there. Yay.
But then they get bored of ‘reading’ the pamplets about managing arthritis and how to give up smoking and they start to fidget. Oh no.

They sit really really quietly swinging their legs backwards and forwards, the swing getting higher and higher.
This is a BAD sign.
They are not just bored, they are BORED.
Then someone walks up the stairs.”What’s wrong with her mummy?” Mia points and doesn’t stop pointing until the new patient sits down opposite us.
The patient gives me a weak smile that’s all ‘can’t she control her children?’
“I don’t know Mia.” I try to whisper so as not to make a big deal of it. But Mia sits there on my lap and stares. STARES.

Someone else comes up the stairs but thankfully Mia remains quiet. Just the staring.
“Where is the doctor?”
“In one of these rooms. We will be called when it’s our turn to go in.”
No sooner have I said that than one of the doctors opens a door and calls someone in. It’s not us. Damn.

“That’s not a doctor! That’s a lady”.
This is said very loudly. I pray she didn’t hear, knowing full well she did. And knowing full well that’s the doctor we are due to see.

“Is there something wrong with her?” Another woman has walked up the stairs. The poor thing almost jumps out of her skin at the sight of a small child shooting an accusatory finger at her.
“Why is her eye like that? Is that why she’s here, because of her jammy eye?” (she heard someone say ‘manky’ once and thought it was ‘jammy’. I don’t even think manky is a word and if it is I have no idea if that is how you spell it so I appologise now).

“Can I tell the doctor about my sore twinkle?”
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL THE DOCTOR PLEASE CALL US IN NOW . . .

* Originally posted on August 22, 2008.

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19 Responses to Doctor doctor

  1. @jobeaufoix says:

    OMG we have had so many traumas in doctor's waiting rooms. So that means I'm allowed to laugh at yours ok? Good. 😀

  2. Kool Aid says:

    Thankfully, Monkey is too shy now to ask loudly those questions. She'd find a way to quietly ask and point. I think it's something she's grown into, though, because a few times when she was younger, she's loudly ask and point at various people in public, not just at the doctor's office. Hopefully, in a few years, she'll be a little more subtle in her questions.

  3. mimi says:

    LOL. Mine were always too quiet/nervous to ask questions, so I double enjoyed this.

  4. Rosie Scribble says:

    Oh God! It all sounds too familar. IJ is exactly the same and stares at every single person in the waiting room wanting to know what is wrong with them. She once announced that one man sitting there used to be a lady. Swallow me up now!

  5. Snaffles Mummy says:

    Oh no, how embarrassing. I guess i have these delights to look forward to.

  6. Mwa says:

    I'm so happy my children aren't interested in adults other than me. Most embarrassing comments are at my expense with them.

  7. Our doctors surgery has a fish tank in, which Max had a row with the health visitor about, the last time we were there.

    "No, you are wrong, there are five yellow ones."

  8. When they say "what's wrong with her?" try very quietly saying "why don't you ask them?" Is that too cruel?!!!!
    The supermarket queue is the next best for "why has that lady got a beard?" and "the fat lady has cakes is that why she's so fat?" all yelled at top volume. It's ok : any mother will understand and empathise; people with a sense of humour will laugh and (IMHO) the rest don't count!!!!

  9. Kimberly says:

    Too funny….don't you wish we could just say whatever we think like that?

  10. gaelikaa says:

    You have my sympathy. Lucky for me my doctor lives across the road from my house. We just go when we need to and never have to wait.

  11. What joys I have to look forward to when Doodlebug learns how to speak…..

  12. kelly says:

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  13. Expat Mum says:

    Bless! I have a rule that my kids are not allowed to say anything while the "victim" is within earshot. (Am I setting them up to talk behind their backs?) Sometimes it's comical as I know they're about to burst with a question or somment.

  14. Rebel Mother says:

    Oh, how I laughed! But thank god, another family that has outspoken children too.

    RMxx

  15. kim says:

    Another Laugh Out Loud post from you. I feel your pain, haha!

  16. Lawyer Mom says:

    "Jammy eye" — too funny. My son and I came up with code words after too many, "Mom, he looks like a bad guy!" Now he'll just throw me a curious glance and say, "Milkshake, maybe?"

  17. Yup, I'm with you there. 5-year-old has started to notice overweight people. MUMMY, THERE'S A FAT MAN. I know how much little comments that like can hurt, so I just go into a corner and cry…

  18. My two year old loves singing alound her repertoire of nursery rhymes in supermarkets. After initial embarrassment I am joining in, it makes shopping easier if she is happy. We had a few embarrassment though. I used to call her Fatty as she had the most delicious plump legs and once in a shop she shouted Fatty really loud when a fat woman was walking by. We don't use the nickname anymore. Another no no was her Dad telling her that we were going to see the Aldi man when going to Aldi's. She would shout Aldi man, Aldi man really loud in all supermarket, expecting a man to pop out and greet her. We don't use that expression anymore.

  19. I had one child who wore a pair of her father's brief style – red and torn- underwear on her head everywhere we went. She still hardly talks so was no problem – she would just look up stuff on the internet later in life.
    #2 too shy and had anxiety problems…we faced her towards the fish and she would not look at others in the waiting room. The grocery store is still too much for her if it is crowded.
    #3 told everyone about all of her surgeries – asked a biker who came in "where did his privates go when he was riding his bike or did he sit on them." Then add in hyperactivity.
    We finally set up with the nursing/reception staff to call us on the cell phone from the waiting car where were were singing and playing games and laughing when she was next.
    When she saw a Japanese Woman Doc one time, the Pediatrician said you know the Japanese and Korean's don't get along….#3 said "good well I will not have to come see you again" and she never would see her.
    (It is just as well, as #3's birth mother was raped by a Japanese man and #3 and adoption was the end result.)
    I also taught everyone to read very early on – and about staring…and we had few problems after that.
    I think most folks do not mind and I think most of the seniors would talk about their problems if asked….??? maybe I am just making that up?

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