Reasons why raising a girl can send you mad. Number 1

scissors1

My good friend Suzanne has a gorgeous little girl with long blonde hair and the cutest little ‘aren’t I just darling’ face.
And while, yes, she is a darling it’s an angelic face that hides hell.

For that little girl is not yet 3 and yet my friend swears to me SWEARS that she will not be having another child.
Some girls, I maintain, are just bloody hard work!

Suzanne and I used to work together and would indulge in a spot of ‘bad child’ poker.
For every eardrum-splitting tantrum her daughter had, I’d raise her an embarassed me in the supermarket by yelling ‘oi, lady’ to all the shoppers.
For all her cheek-burning incidents of hitting another child, I’d throw down a ‘Mia has hacked her own hair off’. Or the fact that she has a fatal attraction to scissors and can sniff a pair out in this house like a prize pig tracking down truffles. She’s pretty good at hunting down truffles too. The chocolate variety, obviously.

I thought I had her beat when Mia managed to break her own bed then draw all over her newly decorated walls and call her daddy an idiot – all in the space of one morning.

But oh boy, Suzanne has pulled one out of the bag and it’s a doozy!

While staying at a friend’s house over Christmas, her little darling was put to bed in the spare room.
They sat with their friends in the living room, listening to her rustling and moving around on the monitor but just put it down to her settling herself for bed.

So, a few minutes later Suzanne goes up to check all is OK.
And there that little madam is sat on the bed with two pots in her hands – the one a near empty tub of the homeowners VERY EXPENSIVE CELLULITE cream and the contents are all over her head. Up her nose. In her hair. Her long hair.

Suzanne cleans her up the best she can, apologises profusely to her friend and goes to bed cursing (but thinking, oh boy I’ll have Tara with this one!)

The next morning she realises what was in the other tub her daughter was clutching that fateful night – it was fake tanning cream!

FAKE TANNING CREAM.
Yes, I said fake tanning cream!

The Oompa Loompa look is not one that particularly suits a 2-year-old very blonde child and Suzanne can only apologise for anyone who has caught sight of her daughter and been horrified by the results.

Suzanne 1, Tara 0

PS: I would just like to point out that even though my little girl is a quite a handful at times, she is also absolutely gorgeous. And I know that she is going to grow into the most wonderful young woman, all feisty and independent and the sort of person that makes a mama proud.
Until then, I’ll just keep up my usual chant ‘it’s only a phase’.

Writer Dad had some wonderful words to say for his own little Mia’s 7th birthday recently. I should just like to say ditto.

This entry was posted in Dan & Mia. Bookmark the permalink.

70 Responses to Reasons why raising a girl can send you mad. Number 1

  1. Laura says:

    This reminds me of a time we went to Scotland with my sisters family. My daughter was supposed to sleep in the same room as the 2 year old. So they would go to sleep we initially put them in different rooms. I put the then 3 year old to bed in the room where my sister was staying. 2 hours later my sister goes to get something from the room and comes back to frostily announce that my little darling had found her make-up bag and destroyed over £40 worth of lipsticks. ON further investigation … some of it was on her angelic sleeping face, some was on her legs and some … well we never did find the rest. Perhaps she'd felt peckish?!Still … lipstick washes off easily unlike fake tan! Ha

  2. Laura says:

    This reminds me of a time we went to Scotland with my sisters family. My daughter was supposed to sleep in the same room as the 2 year old. So they would go to sleep we initially put them in different rooms. I put the then 3 year old to bed in the room where my sister was staying. 2 hours later my sister goes to get something from the room and comes back to frostily announce that my little darling had found her make-up bag and destroyed over £40 worth of lipsticks. ON further investigation … some of it was on her angelic sleeping face, some was on her legs and some … well we never did find the rest. Perhaps she'd felt peckish?!Still … lipstick washes off easily unlike fake tan! Ha

  3. Suzanne says:

    I am glad you shared my torture with your readers and let it be a warning to all, that no matter how hard you scrub, that stuff does not come off! But I'm sure you still have one up on me with the 'hair-be-gone' incident. I refuse to buy my daughter scissor, even the bluntest, child-friendly kind! So much so, that have known to stand, waiting by the arts and craft section in ELC and pounce on any unsuspecting parents contemplating buying scissors off the shelf! I wisely tell them the fateful story of my friend and her daughter Mia. (this is true)They always walk away, grateful.

  4. Suzanne says:

    I am glad you shared my torture with your readers and let it be a warning to all, that no matter how hard you scrub, that stuff does not come off! But I'm sure you still have one up on me with the 'hair-be-gone' incident. I refuse to buy my daughter scissor, even the bluntest, child-friendly kind! So much so, that have known to stand, waiting by the arts and craft section in ELC and pounce on any unsuspecting parents contemplating buying scissors off the shelf! I wisely tell them the fateful story of my friend and her daughter Mia. (this is true)They always walk away, grateful.

  5. Tara says:

    @Laura: That is brilliant Laura! Well, obviously not brilliant. Clearly your daughter has expensive tastes . . . @Suzanne: Hey there! You are such a good mother honey, offering words of advice to unsuspecting mums in toy shops! How I wish you were hovering in the shop where I thought it was a great idea to buy a giant Playdoh set.That stuff doesn't come out of your carpet you know.Still, it comes off better than fake tan, of that I am sure!Lovely lovely to have you here. x

  6. Tara says:

    @Laura: That is brilliant Laura! Well, obviously not brilliant. Clearly your daughter has expensive tastes . . . @Suzanne: Hey there! You are such a good mother honey, offering words of advice to unsuspecting mums in toy shops! How I wish you were hovering in the shop where I thought it was a great idea to buy a giant Playdoh set.That stuff doesn't come out of your carpet you know.Still, it comes off better than fake tan, of that I am sure!Lovely lovely to have you here. x

  7. Vodka Mom says:

    That was hysterical!!! Reminds me of when Bitchy colored sassy with blue marker from head to toe. She looked like a smurf for two weeks.

  8. Vodka Mom says:

    That was hysterical!!! Reminds me of when Bitchy colored sassy with blue marker from head to toe. She looked like a smurf for two weeks.

  9. Avlor says:

    Thank you for making me laugh at the beginning of a very busy and likely stressful day. I know the day will turn out OK if I can laugh. 😉

  10. Avlor says:

    Thank you for making me laugh at the beginning of a very busy and likely stressful day. I know the day will turn out OK if I can laugh. 😉

  11. Kool Aid says:

    Oh….. wow……there really isn't much to say to that, is there?

  12. Kool Aid says:

    Oh….. wow……there really isn't much to say to that, is there?

  13. Audrey says:

    My daughter got into a friend's Creme de la Mer and you do not want to know how much that cost me to replace. Still, her skin looked great!

  14. notSupermum says:

    I don't want to rain on your parade Tara, but I used to say 'it's just a phase' about my own High-maintenance daughter. She now 12 and the phase continues….

  15. notSupermum says:

    I don't want to rain on your parade Tara, but I used to say 'it's just a phase' about my own High-maintenance daughter. She now 12 and the phase continues….

  16. Tara says:

    @Vodka Mom: What the? Blue marker pen? That's it. All pens are now banned from this house.@Audrey: While Suzanne's friend had expensive cream in that pot, it certainly wasn't Creme de la Mer – hell, I bet you could have cried!@notSupermum: Nooooooooooooo. Somebody, anybody tell me it can work out differently . . .

  17. Tara says:

    @Vodka Mom: What the? Blue marker pen? That's it. All pens are now banned from this house.@Audrey: While Suzanne's friend had expensive cream in that pot, it certainly wasn't Creme de la Mer – hell, I bet you could have cried!@notSupermum: Nooooooooooooo. Somebody, anybody tell me it can work out differently . . .

  18. CK Lunchbox says:

    that might possibly be the most mischievous deed by a little girl I've ever heard… and one of the funniest.I can't think of anything even close, but you may have jinxed yourself with this post. You might want to check on little Mia right now. Hehe.PS. I spelled a bunch of words wrong in my first version of this comment and didn't check before posting.

  19. CK Lunchbox says:

    that might possibly be the most mischievous deed by a little girl I've ever heard… and one of the funniest.I can't think of anything even close, but you may have jinxed yourself with this post. You might want to check on little Mia right now. Hehe.PS. I spelled a bunch of words wrong in my first version of this comment and didn't check before posting.

  20. Heinous says:

    LOL…fake tanning cream. That is fantastic. Well worth the cost of the replacement tub 😉

  21. Heinous says:

    LOL…fake tanning cream. That is fantastic. Well worth the cost of the replacement tub 😉

  22. GreenJello says:

    Playdoh. Rules for use in my home were that it was in the kitchen ONLY, on the table ONLY. And I had to be in the room.Worse than Playdoh? Any of that Floam or Moon Sand or Gooze crap. At least you can get Playdoh out of carpet with a little extra effort. Not so with these other monstrosities….I can't tell you if girls are harder to raise than boys, because I don't have any boys. I have 4 of my own girls, plus inherited 3 of my hubby's girls. Yes, 7 girls. I must have done something unforgivable in my previous life, I suspect…

  23. GreenJello says:

    Playdoh. Rules for use in my home were that it was in the kitchen ONLY, on the table ONLY. And I had to be in the room.Worse than Playdoh? Any of that Floam or Moon Sand or Gooze crap. At least you can get Playdoh out of carpet with a little extra effort. Not so with these other monstrosities….I can't tell you if girls are harder to raise than boys, because I don't have any boys. I have 4 of my own girls, plus inherited 3 of my hubby's girls. Yes, 7 girls. I must have done something unforgivable in my previous life, I suspect…

  24. Tara says:

    @CK: I had a little panic when you said that. "Oh my god, he's got a point, where is she?"She's at nursery so she can do what the hell she likes there!@GreenJello: You see I set rules and then everyone just laughs and does whatever the hell hey want to.And 7 girls. Ye gods, and yet you seem so sane. There is hope for me then?

  25. Tara says:

    @CK: I had a little panic when you said that. "Oh my god, he's got a point, where is she?"She's at nursery so she can do what the hell she likes there!@GreenJello: You see I set rules and then everyone just laughs and does whatever the hell hey want to.And 7 girls. Ye gods, and yet you seem so sane. There is hope for me then?

  26. GreenJello says:

    Tara, you have to be a Mean Mom ™. If they deviated from those Playdoh rules, I literally picked up all the Playdoh and threw it away. Right then.It doesn't take long before they realize you're serious.I do the same with markers even now. If I find one with the lid off, I immediately pick it up and chuck it in the trash. End of story, and end of marker in my carpet, on my furniture, in clothes, etc.

  27. GreenJello says:

    Tara, you have to be a Mean Mom ™. If they deviated from those Playdoh rules, I literally picked up all the Playdoh and threw it away. Right then.It doesn't take long before they realize you're serious.I do the same with markers even now. If I find one with the lid off, I immediately pick it up and chuck it in the trash. End of story, and end of marker in my carpet, on my furniture, in clothes, etc.

  28. Tara says:

    @GreenJello: I bow down to your Mean Mominess.Right, that's it, starting tonight when I pick them up I'm getting tough x

  29. Tara says:

    @GreenJello: I bow down to your Mean Mominess.Right, that's it, starting tonight when I pick them up I'm getting tough x

  30. steenky bee says:

    Oh dear. Fake tanning cream. Orange is she now? Well, I finally am getting organized and have officially updated your link on my blogroll. Sorry for the delay. I love it over here. I've also updated you in my reader!

  31. steenky bee says:

    Oh dear. Fake tanning cream. Orange is she now? Well, I finally am getting organized and have officially updated your link on my blogroll. Sorry for the delay. I love it over here. I've also updated you in my reader!

  32. Home Office Mum says:

    Gosh, maybe having boys isn't that hard after all?!

  33. Home Office Mum says:

    Gosh, maybe having boys isn't that hard after all?!

  34. MuddynoSugar says:

    Just to let you know I agree with you all (I have 2)…however, just for Suzanne, I am now of the opinion that there is no avoiding the scissor incident when you have girls. My eldest is now at school and came home the other day with a fringe.I asked her if the teacher had said anything but she said the teacher hadn't noticed, marvellous! I wouldn't mind but we have only just grown out the last self hairdressing fringe from when she was 4.

  35. MuddynoSugar says:

    Just to let you know I agree with you all (I have 2)…however, just for Suzanne, I am now of the opinion that there is no avoiding the scissor incident when you have girls. My eldest is now at school and came home the other day with a fringe.I asked her if the teacher had said anything but she said the teacher hadn't noticed, marvellous! I wouldn't mind but we have only just grown out the last self hairdressing fringe from when she was 4.

  36. More than a Mother says:

    Tara, my girls are 10 months old. I wish I hadn't read this…. 😉

  37. Tara says:

    @Steenky, you're back! Huzzah, now the madness can continue!Thanks so much for the update – you're worth the wait!@Muddy: **this is me dancing around the room** You're finally online! And you've put up a picture of you looking totally, err, mad. Hooray!Welcome my friend. And I would just like to share, if that's OK, this is the lady (cough splutter) who my son is 'married' to.So we're sort of related. However I will disown her in a heartbeat if she goes on about techie stuff. See I can't even spell it, that's how far from understanding it I am. @More than a Mother: Listen and learn. Listen and learn!

  38. Tara says:

    @Steenky, you're back! Huzzah, now the madness can continue!Thanks so much for the update – you're worth the wait!@Muddy: **this is me dancing around the room** You're finally online! And you've put up a picture of you looking totally, err, mad. Hooray!Welcome my friend. And I would just like to share, if that's OK, this is the lady (cough splutter) who my son is 'married' to.So we're sort of related. However I will disown her in a heartbeat if she goes on about techie stuff. See I can't even spell it, that's how far from understanding it I am. @More than a Mother: Listen and learn. Listen and learn!

  39. Dave Fowler says:

    Oh goodness, that's so funny. My youngest girl has found that spreading bum cream everywhere and my eldest girl also has an unusual attraction to scissors. I'm dreading the day she putsthem to malicious use.That's one competition you really don't want to win. 🙂

  40. Dave Fowler says:

    Oh goodness, that's so funny. My youngest girl has found that spreading bum cream everywhere and my eldest girl also has an unusual attraction to scissors. I'm dreading the day she putsthem to malicious use.That's one competition you really don't want to win. 🙂

  41. that girl? says:

    OMG! Makes me grateful for Small Child's seeming lack of interest in exploring inside drawers, cupboards etc! My sister in laws little boy went upstairs and emptied a bottle of Clinique foundation all over her brand new duvet cover and followed that with Mascara! Keep it stored up high people – very high!

  42. that girl? says:

    OMG! Makes me grateful for Small Child's seeming lack of interest in exploring inside drawers, cupboards etc! My sister in laws little boy went upstairs and emptied a bottle of Clinique foundation all over her brand new duvet cover and followed that with Mascara! Keep it stored up high people – very high!

  43. Tara says:

    @Dave: Bum cream? I'm hoping you mean nappy cream here or you are revealing all kinds of stuff about yourself we don't really need to know.@That Girl: My daughter already sits watching me all open mouthed and entranced when I'm putting my make up on. And she watches EXACTLY where I put it all every time. I swear she's plotting . . .

  44. Tara says:

    @Dave: Bum cream? I'm hoping you mean nappy cream here or you are revealing all kinds of stuff about yourself we don't really need to know.@That Girl: My daughter already sits watching me all open mouthed and entranced when I'm putting my make up on. And she watches EXACTLY where I put it all every time. I swear she's plotting . . .

  45. ChasingSanity.com says:

    Raising children can drive you mad? Ayuh, I'll drink to that!

  46. ChasingSanity.com says:

    Raising children can drive you mad? Ayuh, I'll drink to that!

  47. the Gator Mom says:

    little girls will be little girls…but do they ever grow out of it?

  48. the Gator Mom says:

    little girls will be little girls…but do they ever grow out of it?

  49. As you know, I have so many stories that would make your head spin about my daughter but I just cannot ever beat that one….ever never. Tanning cream? The visual is killing me…thanks for the Saturday am laugh!

  50. As you know, I have so many stories that would make your head spin about my daughter but I just cannot ever beat that one….ever never. Tanning cream? The visual is killing me…thanks for the Saturday am laugh!

  51. Jo Beaufoix says:

    Hee hee. Misses E and M have done some mad stuff, but yep, Suzanne wins. 😀

  52. Tara says:

    @Chasing Sanity: Hey there. Welcome over. You know that god awful saying that you see dotted around offices that says 'you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps'. They should make that for every parent.@Gator Mom: Hey there to you too and welcome! I need hope here, Gator Mom. I need you to come over here and say 'don't you worry yourself Tara, she'll grow out of it by the time she's, ooo, 5'.

  53. Tara says:

    @Chasing Sanity: Hey there. Welcome over. You know that god awful saying that you see dotted around offices that says 'you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps'. They should make that for every parent.@Gator Mom: Hey there to you too and welcome! I need hope here, Gator Mom. I need you to come over here and say 'don't you worry yourself Tara, she'll grow out of it by the time she's, ooo, 5'.

  54. Turf Dad says:

    Are there naturally tan people in England? I bet fake tanning lotion sells good there. 🙂

  55. Turf Dad says:

    Are there naturally tan people in England? I bet fake tanning lotion sells good there. 🙂

  56. Hilarious. She's just putting in the practice for later in life, better she learns now about rubbing it in properly or she'll look a state. I have no such tales to tell. Only the usual drawing on walls, radiators etc…and I have two girls. Does that mean I have worse to come?

  57. Hilarious. She's just putting in the practice for later in life, better she learns now about rubbing it in properly or she'll look a state. I have no such tales to tell. Only the usual drawing on walls, radiators etc…and I have two girls. Does that mean I have worse to come?

  58. Millennium Housewife says:

    We all have to learn sometime, remind her to exfoliate next time…MH

  59. Millennium Housewife says:

    We all have to learn sometime, remind her to exfoliate next time…MH

  60. DCUrbanDad says:

    Oh crap. I am so in a pickle with this little one then.

  61. Working mum says:

    After reading this post I realise I have nothing to complain about with my daughter. Dropping a tin of cocoa this afternoon is nothing compared to this!

  62. Working mum says:

    After reading this post I realise I have nothing to complain about with my daughter. Dropping a tin of cocoa this afternoon is nothing compared to this!

  63. Tara says:

    @Turf Dad: Fake tanning lotion sells very very well over here in the UK – but that's not saying everyone can put it on correctly. Especially celebrities for some strange reason.@CTTF: I think that means you are a bloody lucky sod and didn't pass on the Mini the Minx gene. I'll bet you were such a naughty so and so when you were little too. So unfair **flicks hair all dramatically and turns head in a huff**!@Urban Dad: Forwarned is forarmed – just watch out for the signs and at least you won't have the shock of your life like I did!@Working Mum: Well I'm glad our naughty girls have done something right! You are a lucky lucky mum. Enjoy it.

  64. Tara says:

    @Turf Dad: Fake tanning lotion sells very very well over here in the UK – but that's not saying everyone can put it on correctly. Especially celebrities for some strange reason.@CTTF: I think that means you are a bloody lucky sod and didn't pass on the Mini the Minx gene. I'll bet you were such a naughty so and so when you were little too. So unfair **flicks hair all dramatically and turns head in a huff**!@Urban Dad: Forwarned is forarmed – just watch out for the signs and at least you won't have the shock of your life like I did!@Working Mum: Well I'm glad our naughty girls have done something right! You are a lucky lucky mum. Enjoy it.

  65. just found you. v glad i have. you make me laugh. when my eldest daughter was 3 she minced into kitchen smelling gloriously and suspiciously of chanel. too much chanel. i investigated. footling around on my dressing table (veritable aladdin's cave for small girls) she had knocked over precious full bottle of chanel (chanel is precious anyway, it is especially precious where i live). to secret the evidence she mopped it up and used it to wash her feet. i hope she marries a man who can afford to allow her to continue the habit.

  66. just found you. v glad i have. you make me laugh. when my eldest daughter was 3 she minced into kitchen smelling gloriously and suspiciously of chanel. too much chanel. i investigated. footling around on my dressing table (veritable aladdin's cave for small girls) she had knocked over precious full bottle of chanel (chanel is precious anyway, it is especially precious where i live). to secret the evidence she mopped it up and used it to wash her feet. i hope she marries a man who can afford to allow her to continue the habit.

  67. Tara says:

    @Reluctant Memsahib: Hey there, thank you so much for visiting.That is the sort of story that has me locking away anything that cost me over £10 – and that's quite a lot in my house because I am such a product junkie!But washing her feet in Chanel, that is some decadant little girl!

  68. Tara says:

    @Reluctant Memsahib: Hey there, thank you so much for visiting.That is the sort of story that has me locking away anything that cost me over £10 – and that's quite a lot in my house because I am such a product junkie!But washing her feet in Chanel, that is some decadant little girl!

  69. shopgirl says:

    OMG! I'm am sooooooo laughing out loud at this one!! FAKE TANNING CREAM – my only complaint – no picture!! I do hope your friend got a picture of her little darling oompa loompa!! This is why I'm not having kids (well, that and the fact that one does need a man in her life to produce one – minor obstacle.) Anyway – thanks for the laugh – this is great and I"m sending this to my friend with TWO little misses of her own!!

  70. shopgirl says:

    OMG! I'm am sooooooo laughing out loud at this one!! FAKE TANNING CREAM – my only complaint – no picture!! I do hope your friend got a picture of her little darling oompa loompa!! This is why I'm not having kids (well, that and the fact that one does need a man in her life to produce one – minor obstacle.) Anyway – thanks for the laugh – this is great and I"m sending this to my friend with TWO little misses of her own!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge