My good friend Suzanne has a gorgeous little girl with long blonde hair and the cutest little ‘aren’t I just darling’ face.
And while, yes, she is a darling it’s an angelic face that hides hell.
For that little girl is not yet 3 and yet my friend swears to me SWEARS that she will not be having another child.
Some girls, I maintain, are just bloody hard work!
Suzanne and I used to work together and would indulge in a spot of ‘bad child’ poker.
For every eardrum-splitting tantrum her daughter had, I’d raise her an embarassed me in the supermarket by yelling ‘oi, lady’ to all the shoppers.
For all her cheek-burning incidents of hitting another child, I’d throw down a ‘Mia has hacked her own hair off’. Or the fact that she has a fatal attraction to scissors and can sniff a pair out in this house like a prize pig tracking down truffles. She’s pretty good at hunting down truffles too. The chocolate variety, obviously.
I thought I had her beat when Mia managed to break her own bed then draw all over her newly decorated walls and call her daddy an idiot – all in the space of one morning.
But oh boy, Suzanne has pulled one out of the bag and it’s a doozy!
While staying at a friend’s house over Christmas, her little darling was put to bed in the spare room.
They sat with their friends in the living room, listening to her rustling and moving around on the monitor but just put it down to her settling herself for bed.
So, a few minutes later Suzanne goes up to check all is OK.
And there that little madam is sat on the bed with two pots in her hands – the one a near empty tub of the homeowners VERY EXPENSIVE CELLULITE cream and the contents are all over her head. Up her nose. In her hair. Her long hair.
Suzanne cleans her up the best she can, apologises profusely to her friend and goes to bed cursing (but thinking, oh boy I’ll have Tara with this one!)
The next morning she realises what was in the other tub her daughter was clutching that fateful night – it was fake tanning cream!
FAKE TANNING CREAM.
Yes, I said fake tanning cream!
The Oompa Loompa look is not one that particularly suits a 2-year-old very blonde child and Suzanne can only apologise for anyone who has caught sight of her daughter and been horrified by the results.
Suzanne 1, Tara 0
PS: I would just like to point out that even though my little girl is a quite a handful at times, she is also absolutely gorgeous. And I know that she is going to grow into the most wonderful young woman, all feisty and independent and the sort of person that makes a mama proud.
Until then, I’ll just keep up my usual chant ‘it’s only a phase’.
Writer Dad had some wonderful words to say for his own little Mia’s 7th birthday recently. I should just like to say ditto.