How to torture mummy

The-minx

My children will do anything
A N Y T H I N G to get me out of bed in the morning.
There is no low they will not sink to in order to stop me hiding under the duvet for another 5 minutes.

Their latest double act is to slam their bedroom doors (I’ve told them that when they wake they can play in each other’s rooms).
Sure they do that just beautifully. They build dens with their duvets, they read, they make up stories, they play marbles). But the door slamming? Never just two doors. It’s like they are in and out at least 15 times, and every slam shakes the house and my nerves just that little bit closer to growling.

And I am absolutely a morning person.

They’ve done the crawling under our bed commando style and whispering and giggling. When that didn’t work they then resorted taking ‘pokey pokey’ things under there with them to push between the bed slats (usually a lightsabre or a plastic golf club. Or their toothbrushes).

They’ve done the coming in all quietly and lulling me into a false sense of security by whispering ‘when is it wakey wakey time, mummy?’ and I mumble something back and they whisper a return. Then one of them climbs on the bed for a cuddle. Then the other one keeps me distracted with more whispered questions and before I know it, they’re both on the bed, cold feet on my thighs, snotty nose heading towards me for a kiss and I’m shocked into wakefulness.

Hubby sleeps on like he’s been betwitched.

I suppose I should be proud of their cunning and ingenuity.
I mean for a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old to come up with such devious plans, is quite commendable – and yes I will commend them, in maybe 8 or 9 years time when I’m trying to drag them out of their own beds and I’m using all their little tricks right back at them.

But this morning my little girl overstepped the mark.
Her opening words were designed to have me shoot out of bed without so much as touching the floor.
“Mummy,” she whispers in her sweetest voice. “I’ve got something stuck right down in my ear.”

Hells bells. I lept out of my bed and out of my skin, and ferried her straight into the bathroom without barely drawing breath.

This is not something you can take a chance on right?

So I’m trying to focus my barely awake eyes down her tiny ear canal and then with a pair of tweezers, I’m delicately trying to grab at the pitch dark air just inside in the hope that whatever it is that is in there isn’t too far down.

Then she whispers: “Mummy. Mummy. This one really worked didn’t it?”

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68 Responses to How to torture mummy

  1. Dave Fowler says:

    LMAO. She is a little MINX. Hehehe.Hope you managed to see the funny side!I know what you mean about slamming doors. I drives me crazy and we live next door to an 80 year woman. My poor neighbour.

  2. matthewdryden says:

    Oh. My. God. My son has recently been able to climb out of his crib. He likes me wake me up in the morning, but only for a short while. Soon after, he's digging through the fridge and dog food.He's only two-years-old.Yeah. I have to teach him how to make coffee someday. mmm.

  3. matthewdryden says:

    Oh. My. God. My son has recently been able to climb out of his crib. He likes me wake me up in the morning, but only for a short while. Soon after, he's digging through the fridge and dog food.He's only two-years-old.Yeah. I have to teach him how to make coffee someday. mmm.

  4. Tara says:

    @Dave: She is a minx. A devisive little minx. Here daddy says she's just like her mum, but I don't see it myself . . . @Matthew: Teach him how to make coffee? Brilliant! Start them young, I say. Of course, climbing out of the crib is just the start of your problems. Just prepared!

  5. Tara says:

    @Dave: She is a minx. A devisive little minx. Here daddy says she's just like her mum, but I don't see it myself . . . @Matthew: Teach him how to make coffee? Brilliant! Start them young, I say. Of course, climbing out of the crib is just the start of your problems. Just prepared!

  6. Katherine says:

    HA! What a little monkey! These days mine (17, 22) are generally roused somewhere between 10 and noon by a phone call from one of their friends…But it means I have a lovely quiet morning pottering.

  7. Katherine says:

    HA! What a little monkey! These days mine (17, 22) are generally roused somewhere between 10 and noon by a phone call from one of their friends…But it means I have a lovely quiet morning pottering.

  8. Laura says:

    Brilliant – just reminds me of our house EVERY morning.That door slamming really is a bugger.The 2 year old's latest tactic is to threaten to clean the toilet with the toilet brush … and his sisters toothbrush. It's grim, and just enough for me to leap out of bed … which in turn sets me off in a bad mood.

  9. Laura says:

    Brilliant – just reminds me of our house EVERY morning.That door slamming really is a bugger.The 2 year old's latest tactic is to threaten to clean the toilet with the toilet brush … and his sisters toothbrush. It's grim, and just enough for me to leap out of bed … which in turn sets me off in a bad mood.

  10. Tara says:

    @Katherine: "A lovely quiet morning pottering"? I can but dream . . .@Laura: Yikes! cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush would have me up too!This morning it was: "mummy I accidentally wiped my bogies on the curtains"

  11. Tara says:

    @Katherine: "A lovely quiet morning pottering"? I can but dream . . .@Laura: Yikes! cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush would have me up too!This morning it was: "mummy I accidentally wiped my bogies on the curtains"

  12. that girl? says:

    What a monkey! Do you reckon her older brother had something to do with it?! I liked your description of jumping up and flying to bathroom without drawing breath – that would have so been me! Small Child comes in and asks me if I'd like a few minutes to come round…waits approx 3 seconds and then starts the barrage of requests, moaning and jigging about until I give in!

  13. that girl? says:

    What a monkey! Do you reckon her older brother had something to do with it?! I liked your description of jumping up and flying to bathroom without drawing breath – that would have so been me! Small Child comes in and asks me if I'd like a few minutes to come round…waits approx 3 seconds and then starts the barrage of requests, moaning and jigging about until I give in!

  14. Working mum says:

    Ooooo, very clever. I'd watch that one if I were you, she'll be tricking you into allsorts when she's older!

  15. Working mum says:

    Ooooo, very clever. I'd watch that one if I were you, she'll be tricking you into allsorts when she's older!

  16. Heee Hee. So funny. She is definitely the next female prime minister. She's just too clever.The thing that got me out of bed so quickly this morning – it was snowing!!

  17. Heee Hee. So funny. She is definitely the next female prime minister. She's just too clever.The thing that got me out of bed so quickly this morning – it was snowing!!

  18. Dave Fowler says:

    aconfusedtakethatfan,It was snowing in your bed??

  19. Dave Fowler says:

    aconfusedtakethatfan,It was snowing in your bed??

  20. Expat mum says:

    Just make sure you don't do the 10 and 7 year gap like I did. Now I have two teenagers who need a rocket up the — to get up in the morning, and a 5 year old who doesn't seem to recognise when it's the weekend. Sigh.

  21. Expat mum says:

    Just make sure you don't do the 10 and 7 year gap like I did. Now I have two teenagers who need a rocket up the — to get up in the morning, and a 5 year old who doesn't seem to recognise when it's the weekend. Sigh.

  22. Tara says:

    @That Girl: I reckon they sit there plotting what devious trick to try next. But it's probably 75 per cent her and 25 him. she's Minnie the Minx reincarnated. @Working mum: She tricks me into all sorts now Working Mum, which is a bit worrying as she's only 3. I keep telling myself she's clever like her mum. It's the only way to get through it. @A Confused Take That Fan: Snow, I know (and gotta love Dave's follow up comment!)@Expat mum: Very bad planning there my dear!At least when mine are teens they'll both be in their pits at the same time!

  23. Tara says:

    @That Girl: I reckon they sit there plotting what devious trick to try next. But it's probably 75 per cent her and 25 him. she's Minnie the Minx reincarnated. @Working mum: She tricks me into all sorts now Working Mum, which is a bit worrying as she's only 3. I keep telling myself she's clever like her mum. It's the only way to get through it. @A Confused Take That Fan: Snow, I know (and gotta love Dave's follow up comment!)@Expat mum: Very bad planning there my dear!At least when mine are teens they'll both be in their pits at the same time!

  24. Avlor says:

    (Still laughing…) Oh my, you'll have fun returning the favor to them in a few years. Anything you can return the favor with earlier? I considered a water pistol when my oldest started waking at 4am and expecting me to get up too.

  25. Avlor says:

    (Still laughing…) Oh my, you'll have fun returning the favor to them in a few years. Anything you can return the favor with earlier? I considered a water pistol when my oldest started waking at 4am and expecting me to get up too.

  26. Maternal Mirth says:

    She's got a career in law enforcement with her name all over it …

  27. Maternal Mirth says:

    She's got a career in law enforcement with her name all over it …

  28. Turf Dad says:

    I'm laughing because you think your husband is actually asleep.

  29. Turf Dad says:

    I'm laughing because you think your husband is actually asleep.

  30. Dave Fowler says:

    I'm laughing because Turf Dad is right.

  31. Tara says:

    @Turf Dad/Dave: Bloody hell, have I been duped?You wait until the next time . . . I love Avlor's suggestion of a water pistol. question is do I use it on the children or the pretending to be asleep hubby?

  32. Tara says:

    @Turf Dad/Dave: Bloody hell, have I been duped?You wait until the next time . . . I love Avlor's suggestion of a water pistol. question is do I use it on the children or the pretending to be asleep hubby?

  33. GreenJello says:

    You could always use the ruse, "I'm sleepy. Wake up dad."Clever girl!

  34. GreenJello says:

    You could always use the ruse, "I'm sleepy. Wake up dad."Clever girl!

  35. Christina says:

    Her last line had me literally rolling in laughter. Good gosh, what a mischevious girl!

  36. Christina says:

    Her last line had me literally rolling in laughter. Good gosh, what a mischevious girl!

  37. Tara says:

    @GreenJello: That was the first tact I tried. And the second and the third. They're just not interested in daddy.@Christina: I'm telling you these things as a warning! I know you have a little minx of your own, so at least you will be prepared!

  38. Tara says:

    @GreenJello: That was the first tact I tried. And the second and the third. They're just not interested in daddy.@Christina: I'm telling you these things as a warning! I know you have a little minx of your own, so at least you will be prepared!

  39. Whahahahahhahaha … I can laugh. I'm an empty nester. Whahahahahhahaha

  40. Whahahahahhahaha … I can laugh. I'm an empty nester. Whahahahahhahaha

  41. Little stinker! She has your number!My daughter can't stand to be awake and without one of us. She comes in our room. It's been nice snuggling, but now we have to go back to school.

  42. Little stinker! She has your number!My daughter can't stand to be awake and without one of us. She comes in our room. It's been nice snuggling, but now we have to go back to school.

  43. Dave Fowler says:

    Laughing @ Panther LaughingLaughing at other people's misfortunes is funny no matter how much you claim it's not. Hahaha

  44. Dave Fowler says:

    Laughing @ Panther LaughingLaughing at other people's misfortunes is funny no matter how much you claim it's not. Hahaha

  45. Audrey says:

    That's the problem with having clever children…they use it against you!I can assure you it does get better. I have an 11 yo, 9yo and a six year old and they are now so well trained that I get to sleep in to 9am every morning. The problem is they go back to school in two days and then I have to get back up again at 6:45. Suddenly, home-schooling has some appeal…

  46. Audrey says:

    That's the problem with having clever children…they use it against you!I can assure you it does get better. I have an 11 yo, 9yo and a six year old and they are now so well trained that I get to sleep in to 9am every morning. The problem is they go back to school in two days and then I have to get back up again at 6:45. Suddenly, home-schooling has some appeal…

  47. CK Lunchbox says:

    That is pure GENIOUS! I love that little girl. While on vacation I was the adult designated to take care of breakfast… now imagine 9 hungry kids all wanting to eat at 6:30am every moring without fail. They each had a meathod for getting me up. All of them worked without fail. Still, none of them were that creative.

  48. CK Lunchbox says:

    That is pure GENIOUS! I love that little girl. While on vacation I was the adult designated to take care of breakfast… now imagine 9 hungry kids all wanting to eat at 6:30am every moring without fail. They each had a meathod for getting me up. All of them worked without fail. Still, none of them were that creative.

  49. Tara says:

    @Audrey: Blimey, that is well trained! So does it work like animals? How do I go about this marvellous training?@CK: You got me at NINE children all looking to you for breakfast! I bet they all wanted something different and I bet you managed to pour the milk on wrong, or give someone the wrong spoon or – oh my god – pour orange juice instead of apple juice. Or is that just my house?

  50. Tara says:

    @Audrey: Blimey, that is well trained! So does it work like animals? How do I go about this marvellous training?@CK: You got me at NINE children all looking to you for breakfast! I bet they all wanted something different and I bet you managed to pour the milk on wrong, or give someone the wrong spoon or – oh my god – pour orange juice instead of apple juice. Or is that just my house?

  51. notSupermum says:

    Don't worry Tara, revenge will be sweet when it comes. My daughter couldn't sleep later than 5.30am for the first 5 years of her life, so when she recently refused to get out of bed for school (she's now 12) I took a tamborine into her bedroom and sang a rousing rendition of Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey until she surrendered. Bliss!

  52. notSupermum says:

    Don't worry Tara, revenge will be sweet when it comes. My daughter couldn't sleep later than 5.30am for the first 5 years of her life, so when she recently refused to get out of bed for school (she's now 12) I took a tamborine into her bedroom and sang a rousing rendition of Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey until she surrendered. Bliss!

  53. notSupermum says:

    Btw, there's an award waiting for you over at my place!

  54. notSupermum says:

    Btw, there's an award waiting for you over at my place!

  55. Kirst says:

    Oooo the little bugger! I've heard vaseline works well on the door nob. ~wink~Kirst

  56. Kirst says:

    Oooo the little bugger! I've heard vaseline works well on the door nob. ~wink~Kirst

  57. Jen says:

    Oh now that is good. Be afraid, very afraid.

  58. Jen says:

    Oh now that is good. Be afraid, very afraid.

  59. Kool Aid says:

    now THAT is a clever girl! Funny!Now just hope she isn't that clever when she's a teenager.

  60. Kool Aid says:

    now THAT is a clever girl! Funny!Now just hope she isn't that clever when she's a teenager.

  61. barbie doll says:

    Hee heee brilliant! My 15 year old has taken laziness to a new degree. The only time he shows any enthusiasm is when he goes to the Belgrade to do his Drama BTEC or when he has some money burning a hole in his pocket (which isn't very often – he spends most of it on junk!)

  62. barbie doll says:

    Hee heee brilliant! My 15 year old has taken laziness to a new degree. The only time he shows any enthusiasm is when he goes to the Belgrade to do his Drama BTEC or when he has some money burning a hole in his pocket (which isn't very often – he spends most of it on junk!)

  63. Ella says:

    She's so clever!When I express the desire for a lie-in, my eldest actually says, 'Good luck with that'. He's seven!

  64. Ella says:

    She's so clever!When I express the desire for a lie-in, my eldest actually says, 'Good luck with that'. He's seven!

  65. Tara says:

    @Ella: Oh hell, is this what I have to look forward to? I need words of COMFORT! You can even lie if you have to

  66. Tara says:

    @Ella: Oh hell, is this what I have to look forward to? I need words of COMFORT! You can even lie if you have to

  67. Coding Mamma (Tasha) says:

    That's one very smart girl.I dream of lie-ins. I have friends who get lie-ins on Sundays while their husbands lie in on Saturdays, or vice versa. But husband is very much not a morning person and tends to need to sleep until at least 9am, much later if he gets the chance. Every now and then, you know, Mother's Day, my birthday, I ask for a lie-in. What I get is daughter put in with me while husband goes and makes breakfast. Which does not count as a lie-in. Maybe this year?! Good luck with getting your lie-in. Hopefully it will come before they hit their teens!

  68. Coding Mamma (Tasha) says:

    That's one very smart girl.I dream of lie-ins. I have friends who get lie-ins on Sundays while their husbands lie in on Saturdays, or vice versa. But husband is very much not a morning person and tends to need to sleep until at least 9am, much later if he gets the chance. Every now and then, you know, Mother's Day, my birthday, I ask for a lie-in. What I get is daughter put in with me while husband goes and makes breakfast. Which does not count as a lie-in. Maybe this year?! Good luck with getting your lie-in. Hopefully it will come before they hit their teens!

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